Good afternoon my beautiful readers! I hope you are having an amazing day! I wanted to preface this blogpost by saying that I apologize for my hiatus on the blog. It has been quite the summer, but I am so excited for this new journey. I recently deleted and uninstalled all of my social media accounts. I felt so torn but so free. I will elaborate it more below. I pray you all have an amazing start to your week. Whether it is job, career, college, entrepreneurship or whatever God has called you to do, I pray that you are able to bring the best out of yourself.
WHY DID I DO IT? SOCIAL MEDIA BREAK? ARE YOU DUMB? (REMY MA VOICE)
So, this has been my first post in a while and to be honest, it has been intentional. I did not feel in the best spirits, so I put off the blog for quite some time. Honestly, I felt depleted and uninspired. I was comparing myself to everyone on my Instagram/Twitter/Snapchat feed. I thought that I was not working hard enough or just doing enough in general. This self love journey really forced me to go through a lot of self-hate that I have been holding for years. I would constantly hear, “You have to love yourself.”, but my question would always be, “How do I do that?”. I have always felt conflicted about that, but I think it is because I spent so much time hating myself that I did not know how to like myself, let alone love myself. I received a tarot card reading from a friend and she described my journey as, “a caterpillar still in its cocoon”. I must admit I did not want to hear the truth because I thought that my self work was more than enough. Little did I know that I was not even comfortable being in my own space. A quote that really got me during the tarot card reading was when she stated that, “You have to learn to really enjoy being in Noah’s presence and that is why it may feel suffocating just being around yourself”. It is so true that I have felt suffocated by my presence due to not feeling enough. I think my self-compassion skills are low due to childhood teasing and bullying, and I did not deal with it properly. I kept going and claimed that everything was “fine”. But it never was. I wasn’t fine and my actions proved that to be true. Every time I would get angry with someone, I was really frustrated with myself. I was frustrated that I did not stand up for myself. I was frustrated that I allowed others to mistreat, disrespect and alienate me. I lived on auto-pilot for a long time and I have had moments during this quarantine where I thought, “Why am I here? I didn’t ask to be in this world.” In those moments, I felt very low, but underneath it all I knew that God was not finished with me. As I get older, I get better with fighting against depression and anxiety. I try to do breathing exercises and pray everyday. I am forcing to journal every day because I can be “that guy” that if you ask, “How are you feeling?”, I’ll reply with the annoying, “I don’t know”. That is why I want to do weekly blogposts as well. I feel that when I remind myself of personal responsibilities, it gives me a reason to keep moving. I am learning that I have to heal myself. I have to put myself first. I have to live for myself. I have to love myself. I am now beginning to understand what self love is. It is checking my negative thoughts. No more people pleasing. Being honest with myself about what I want to do. Knowing my limits and boundaries. Reminding myself of my worth. Those are some ways that I practice self love for me because I have a tendency to be in my head and get in my way. I do not want to do that anymore. I want God to run free in my life and allow love into my life.
You are so important. You matter. I love you so much. I will see you very soon. God bless you. I hope you have an incredible week!