A big hello to you! Good afternoon beautiful human! I hope you all are healthy, secure and safe during this self-quarantine. I first want to acknowledge Breonna Taylor and George Floyd. These two are a few of the many Black lives that have been taken within this year alone. I have been thinking about it a lot. I have hope that the world will get it through their heads that Black people need to be protected, defended and supported. Along with my mental woes, the dehumanization of Black people adds to my personal anxiety and it can be quite depressing. I try to remain hopeful and faithful to God’s words. I hope you all are praying, meditating, journaling, exercising, or whatever you do to allow energy to travel throughout your body because this season has been challenging to live through.
WHY DOES IT FEEL SO HARD TO LET GO?
So in addition to feeling sorrowful over the Black lives that have been prematurely taken away, I am struggling with letting go of things. The past can be alluring because my mind can romanticize events, but in all actuality it was not a positive experience. Our minds can trick us into thinking things are good for us, but they really are not. This morning, God provided me a moment of clarity. After bingeing True Blood until 6 AM, I woke up at around 12:40pm to take a shower. The water was not working and it ticked me off, but I had to remind myself about what the frustration was hiding. My anger was hiding tiredness and depletion. In that moment, I had to forgive myself for trying to self-sabotage my day. The common adage used within True Blood is that “Life is too short”, which is ironic since most of the characters are vampires, who are immortal. However, life really is too short. Too short to hold grudges. Too short to not tell someone how you feel. Too short to not release the baggage from childhood, high school, etc. Too short to not get help. Too short to not forgive a person who has hurt you. Too short to not forgive yourself. For a long time, I believed that I was not worthy of forgiveness. I did not believe that I was worthy of much. I believed what other people told me about my appearance, mannerisms, behavior, etc. “Noah is inconsistent”, “Put your glasses back on”, “Faggot”, and “Are you gay?”, were just a few things that I can remember off the top of my head that was said to me at my most vulnerable stages. My looks and sexuality always made me feel the most insecure. I still feel my body tense when I walk in public, because I am still afraid that I will be labeled and called out. “I have to be tough. I have to man up.” A lot of the time, this lack of confidence resulted in an awkward pigeon walk. One day, as I walked through my college dorm hallway, I noticed how stiff I was when I walked. It was as if I had needles in my calves and thighs. My arms moved like windshield wipers. My torso felt like it was in the tightest corset in the world. My body was filled with a surge of fear and anxiety. I didn’t realize how much the past took a toll on me. Everything about me was up for discussion. Whether it was coming from teachers, who thought of me as “argumentative, inconsistent and disruptive for talking in class”, or from my peers and other students who saw me as “the gay boy, a weirdo, a faggot”. I never truly set back and really forgive them for what they have said and how it made me feel. It made me feel that something was inherently wrong with me. I thought that I was a problem child, who would never be good. On top of that, figuring out my sexuality made me feel even more insecure because I thought that it would jeopardize my place in Heaven. I did not think that I would be able to go to Heaven. I did not think I would have children, but at the time I didn’t know about adoption or In-vitro. I thought that romance, marriage, and children would not be attainable for me as a Black gay man. But, as I undergone this self love journey, I started to develop compassion for myself. As I ventured further, I realized that the person I needed to forgive the most, was myself. I allowed other people to define me for so long. I absorbed the negativity and thrusted onto myself. I spewed self hate to myself every time I gazed into the mirror. It hurt my soul. I would feel so sad that I didn’t look like everyone else. Whether it was someone with clear skin, lighter skin, lighter eyes, looser curls, taller frame, muscular physique, etc. I felt jealous that I didn’t look like that because those were typically the guys that girls were attracted to. I thought that if I didn’t fit the bill, then it was another reminder of how worthless I was. But, as I reflect, I know now that I was WAY TOO HARD ON MYSELF. I am beautiful, funny, smart, talented and creative as hell. I give my very best to anything that I set my mind to. I build my friends up and encourage them, even when I am running on empty. I am a sponge for knowledge and I love to learn new things. I am a big book reader and I love to discover new words, lingo and discussion topics. I am a carefree spirit and when I am allowed to truly let go, the God that is within me can come to the light. The Noah that loves deeply and unconditionally. The Noah that doesn’t care about what his skin or hair looks like. The Noah that knows he looks good and is comfortable in his own skin. The Noah that doesn’t need validation from anyone else but himself. The Noah that knows he is worth the long haul. The Noah that lets go. That is the Noah that I aspire to be everyday, and God willing I will become. Each day gets easier, and I learn to forgive myself and others more. I don’t have to wear baggage anymore. I can be free. So can you! Release whatever is holding you back from being the greatest version of yourself. Feel that emotion, but do not let feelings detour your personal happiness. You are deserving of that. You are worthy of that!
In conclusion, I want to say thank you to all of you for reading, re-posting, commenting, direct messaging and supporting this blog. My heart is so full with joy and I know that someone needs to hear this. Let it go. Please for you. No one else suffers from holding pain, but yourself. Pain is a good emotion though because it indicates that something must change. No more suffering. No more pain storage. Feel it and accept it, but release it. Don’t waste life living in fear. Don’t waste life hating yourself. Live it to your fullest capacity. God chose you. However, you define God, He/She/They/Yes, it chose me to be in this lifetime for a reason. I love you so much. God bless you. Have an awesome day!