God, I Need You


Hello my beautiful readers! I apologize for my absence and I pray that you all are safe and sound during this Coronavirus pandemic. I pray that you, your loved ones and family are safe and sound. I thank God for being able to find refuge in a home with food, running water, light and heat. It is times like these that remind me to be thankful for all that I have, instead of yearning after what I have yet to gain. These past weeks have been really hard. I think I have been going through depression for a while now and it’s really hard. There are times when I want to burst out in tears, so I can release the emotion and move on, but it follows me like a foul odor. It takes the joy out of everything that I enjoy like writing on the blog. I find it really difficult to thrive in a world that has to prioritize social distancing. I do understand that for our overall safety, we must stay in our households, but this time can get very lonesome for me. I am so stressed out about this entire pandemic, that it is very difficult for me to focus on classes and course loads. Honestly, I wish the remainder of the semester would be chalked up because I have been so anxious for weeks now. I pray that you all find a peace of mind during this time because reading more incoming information about the virus can become extremely daunting. It has been hard for me to focus or even create because there are so many people suffering in this world and it makes me feel powerless. I know that no one can be a person’s savior, but I wish I could help. I think I have based my self worth off of what I can do or give to a person whether its my words, my art, my love, my faith, my hope, my time, my energy or my support. However, I do not want to be a people pleaser. I want to be content with myself and realize that I am more than enough. It is really hard to fight this battle. Sometimes I want to give up. Sometimes I feel like I will never be a good person. I have been trying to undo years of self hate and self loathing and sometimes it can be really heavy to carry. I think I am still trying to find my place in this world, which is extremely difficult. But, I am not going to give up. God truly has the final say-so and when He says so, that is when my journey is completed. During this pandemic, I learned that I can get triggered by being misunderstood and ignored. I really do not want to care about things like being ignored or misunderstood. I want to be secure enough to not care about what anyone else does or says. I do not want to rely on others for responsibility and security. I want to be happy with myself without needing a boyfriend or best friend. I have been searching for those things for so long and I think that is why I never got it. I was so desperate for validation that I would never sit with my feelings. I do believe that is a human emotion to desire another person for intimacy, romance and companionship. We all deserve love and acceptance from another person besides ourselves. Let me tell you, self love is the hardest challenge that I have ever faced. It is harder than any push up, sit up or squat that I have ever attempted. Constantly forcing myself to speak kindly to myself, treat myself with care and not allow myself to be someone else’s dormant. Y’all please keep me in prayer because I am a constant work in progress. I have been stressing so much about clearing my skin and I am just so sick of it. I have done soooooo much that I am sick of skincare products. I am going to take a break and really learn to appreciate my face instead of figuring out different methods to cover it up. Y’all life is hard, but I pray for each of your journeys every step of the way. I love you all so much and I pray for your safety, protection and everlasting joy! God bless you all!

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