Love is a Battlefield

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Good evening/early morning my beautiful readers! I deeply apologize for my inconsistencies on my blogsite. To be honest, I was not in the greatest mindset to blog. I felt that I would be not genuine if I came on to write about self love, but I am not loving on myself. So, I want to try to blog each day. Whether you are reading while you’re eating a Popeye’s chicken sandwich or running for 45 mins on the treadmill, I want you to read something that can uplift you, but also something that you can relate to. I titled this post “Love is a battlefield”, because it truly is. I have always heard that phrase in reference to the trials and tribulations of romantic relationships, however this phrase can be applicable to any type of love. “Eros” love, which is the sensual/romantic relationship between two people is disproportionately represented within media to appease society’s standard of finding a soulmate. Self love is often tossed to the side and we as human beings are forced to pick up the pieces of ourselves that have been intertwined into our partners. This week has been mental turmoil in my life. I recently finished my fall semester of college and it was pretty good. I passed biology with a B-, which I was so shocked at. The fall semester showed me that my passion does not lie in biology, but it lies in writing. I have always loved writing since I was very young. Somehow, writing my feelings allowed me to physically manifest my innermost thoughts. I am surprised by what I write because words seem to flow as if I was begging to be released from chains of fear. The fear is rooted in the younger Noah who wanted to feel love and acceptance from my peers. As a black, gay man in the inner city, I soon learned the role that society felt I should play. Unfortunately, I was never the greatest in sports. Or talking to girls. I can dress pretty well if I might add. But, I was not the class clown. I was never the know-it-all, but I always wanted to know more. I never fit in and it felt like I always had to. I never felt tough enough or strong enough or man enough. I began to criticize everything about myself from my looks to my voice. Everything that I thought was a deficit, was actually a blessing. I love my nose because it is a combination of my mother and father. I love my skin because less is more. I love my face because I learn something new about it each day. I love myself because there is only one me who can do what I do and the light I have inside cannot be eradicated by any evil force. I pray that you all can find the gifts within those so-called “flaws”. So, these past couple of days have been tough. I noticed that I began to place so much importance on a guy for happiness. At 19, I had this expectation of dating and socializing, but I know that God’s path for me is a unique one and I must be patient. The energy that I exude on a daily basis is more than inviting for anyone who comes near. A person who wants to be in my life will put effort in being in my life. I noticed that I started to settle for less and that was a disservice to me. I am worth so much more and I deserve the best. I am going to feed into people who feed into me. That was always difficult for me since I always wanted everyone to like me. I am so glad that I learned that people will talk about you until the day that you die. A friend of mine, Savannah, spoke with me about a three-step plan to ensure your happiness. Forgive yourself. Question yourself. Say fuck it. Forgive yourself for the negative self talk or lack of self care. Question why you are mean to yourself. Say fuck it to the endless worries, anxieties and fears. Release all of it because it is too heavy. When the groceries are too heavy, you put them down don’t you? Please give yourself a break. If he leaves you on seen, leave him be. If she doesn’t view you as a priority, she will not prioritize you. Do not allow people’s actions toward you dictate how you treat yourself. Even if a dude is not feeling you (by the way, you are a prize and he is missing out), keep treating yourself with love and tenderness. You are not just your looks. You are your accomplishments, your mistakes, your willpower, your intelligence, your courage, your bravery, your resilience, your passion, your sensitivity, your kindness! You are you because you are YOU! No one else can be you and no one can take your spot. There is no competition but yourself. It took some time to learn these words that I am bestowing upon you, but I want you to know how special you are. You are so beautiful. You are so needed. You are so loved. I love you for reading. Thank you for inviting me into your world for a few minutes. I hope I gave you a gentle push to get back in the race. You are not out, but you are simply sprouting your wings. Soon you will soar above all of the adversities that life has to offer. Keep going. Keep fighting for your life. You are worth it!

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