Hello my beautiful people. It has been such a long time , but I have missed you so much. Today is my bornday and I wanted to share some of my thoughts/feelings today. Happy Thanksgiving to you all as well. Today is such an awesome day because I am so full of gratitude. Making it this far in my life is such a blessing. I have been through so much and I am so thankful that God has granted me another opportunity to become a better version of Noah. I have learned so much in the last 18 years of my livelihood. I have learned that I am such a hopeless romantic. I now embrace that fact but I try to remain sensible with my heart and my time. I have given so much time and energy towards guys who did not reciprocate. I found myself feeling hollow because I was not filled myself so I looked to men as an antidote to my loneliness. Fortunately, I soon began to fill myself with goodness. I speak positive affirmations to myself aloud and I pray for my wellbeing as well as family, friends, loved ones and all of you! I was watching this video by a popular YouTube and sex educator Shan Boody, whom I love, and she did a video on the “Needy Narcissist”. Now, you might think that is an oxymoron and who could a needy person be a narcissistic person? Well, the neediness within an individual goes hand in hand with narcissism because both qualities seek validation from others. This is a dangerous mix since it thrives on people-pleasing. I am glad that I have learned that you will NEVER please everyone, no matter what you do! God has given us all free will, so there will be some folks who display their inability to accept or recognize you and that is OKAY! Not everyone is supposed to like you because you are exclusive. Not everyone deserves to even consume the energy you emit. Your spark, confidence and resilience is not for everyone to observe. You are not a museum. You are a limited edition exhibit that only shows once a year. You have style and je ne sais quois that is not for everyone. Sadly, it took me a while to learn that and I still struggle with it. But, I remind myself that self-love is a verb and not a noun. You never fully arrive there, but you strive to get closer. That is what I want you guys to arrive at. That place of mental clarity and emotional stability. I had a history for being incredibly emotionally reactive and I didn’t know that word until I downloaded this app called “The Pattern”. I had entered my birthdate and time of birth, and it had generated a list of qualities that pertained to me. As I read them, the common themes were “adventure, emotional reactivity, and go for what drives you.” I reflected on my life and how emotional reactivity factored into most of my prior decisions. I realized that I cannot do that to myself anymore. For so long, I was so defensive because when I was teased, chastised and excluded in my childhood and adolescence. I felt inadequate, weird and unworthy of love, acceptance or respect even. I believed that anything bad or awful that happened to me was justified and deserved. I was so hurt that I would lash out at my parents or other family members. I needed help desperately because I just wanted someone to look me in the eyes and listen to me. “I hear you. I understand.” I never wanted pity, but I really wanted understanding. I am not a saint by any means and I am flawed, but I love TV series where the protagonist is obviously imperfect, but their friends or loved ones accept them at their worst, but push them for their best. I always saw myself in the lead protagonist, who frequently makes mistakes but does their best to rectify them and give to others. I think I had gotten so wrapped up in giving love to another person, that I forgot about myself along the way. On a brighter note, this day is a genesis to self-love, self care and self affirmation. Also, I need to implement more self-preservation. It is okay to say “No.” and mean it. It is okay to not pick up every single call or text. If you are not in the right headspace, express that and if some people do not understand, then that is okay because you are putting yourself first. The word “selfish” has gained such a negative connotation throughout society. As people, we are taught to give our last and all in everything we do. However, that can be incredibly depleting and exhausting to give your all. If you just “like” the guy, it is okay to just like him. Love does not have to come next week. It can grow and flourish with time. I urge you all to take your time. You will never be as young as you are now, so please enjoy yourself. I really want to start taking myself out to dates and getting dressed up nice and really getting to know Noah. I learned so much about myself already. I am excited to learn more. I love you all so much and I wanted to give you all some words of love. I love you. Please continue your life journey. Happy Thanksgiving!
- “Despite life’s detours, you are destined for greatness”. – Angela Bassett