Journal Entry: I Don’t Know What the Hell is Going On, But I Accept It

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Hello beautiful people. I am back with another blogpost and I am so glad to be back. I was just reminiscing on the beginning of this blog and I am just so proud of myself. This has not been an easy journey at all, but thank you for riding along with me. I appreciate all of the love. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart because this blog would be nothing if it had not been for you. So, how was your day? How’s life? How are you? These are questions that can receive a multitude of answers, yet I find myself constantly deciphering my answers as either defense mechanisms created to keep people at a safe distance or for that one moment allowing that vulnerability to seep through the surface and transport me to a state of self-awareness and overall acceptance of my internal critic. Or whatever you want to call it LOL. However, I really notice that I am observing how I react to certain stimulants whether it is body language, eye contact, facial expressions or blurting out of words. I notice how emotionally reactive I can be. It is out of sheer defense. I realize how emotionally reactive I was in the past because I always wanted to be understood. I always felt like this underdog who did not have a specific thing or talent that distinguished me from others. I caught myself imitating other people’s character traits instead of embracing the ones that were already embedded within me. I think I have struggled with liking myself since I was about 11, 12 or 13. Those were really tough years for me because along with being called “gay” or “faggot” or “weirdo”, I began to internalize a lot. I disliked everything about me because not many people told me different. (By the way, I still struggle with interacting with black men due to possibly feeling rejected or ignored if I am my true self for one moment. I am growing to do better with that because no one is out to get me. I can be me. That’s okay. That is enough.)Whether it was my nose, my face, my hair, my body, my intelligence, my athletic ability. I never felt good enough. I was still trying to figure out what my lane was in this world. I still am to this day. It was as if the acne emergence was a physical manifestation of my low-self esteem, self-deprecation and self-hate. I could not see the beauty in myself because for so long I thought that I didn’t have it. I did develop my personality through that time but it was so difficult. I constantly felt the need to have a boyfriend as an external source of happiness. I believed that if I cannot be happy by myself, I must obtain happiness from another being. Fortunately, God did not allow a man to enter my vicinity because I was so broken. I relied on others as a source of authority and didn’t realize that I possess internal authority. I used to look to others for a sense of drive or ambition. I did not know that I can encourage myself and create a new outlook on life. That preteen Noah is still with me today. I carry him with me every time I walk down the halls. Every time I mumble when I want to speak. Every time I look down instead of up. That is him begging to be acknowledged. Begging to be accepted. But, I won’t allow him. I don’t allow him due to the idea that I will be perceived as weak or too sensitive. I looked at my sensitivity as such a fault because it was always looked at as “feminine”, or “girly”. But, if you lived with one of the most emotionally intelligent people in this world, trust me you would gain an ounce of empathy or compassion. The women in my family possessed this inherent skill to feel another’s pain or discomfort and create a comfortable or peaceful setting for them. I always admired that about that. I loved hearing them talk instead of watching football or basketball with the guys. Women always interested me because I loved everything about them. I rejected femininity for such a long time because being a black man carries a lot of baggage and trauma. Many people are not willing to accept the fact that being black and LGBTQIA+ is a unique perspective that not many people discuss. I wish it was talked about more. Meaningful conversations lessen ignorance and hate. There is no room to hate if can be educated. There is no excuse. I sit here in the library of my college and embrace all that is me. I love YouTube gossip channels, makeup tutorials/skincare, innovative hairstyles, artistry, music, food, ASMR, Ted Talks and 73 Questions with Vogue segments. I am currently obsessed with Alexa Demie because she is a Sagittarius and we just have an unspoken bond. Also, we are ruled by Jupiter, which is the planet of expansion, so we tend to have very prominent/strong features whether it be nose, jawline, cheekbones, browbone, etc. We are a sight to behold LOL like all of you!

CONFUSION OF THE DAY: I have no idea what I am going to do with my life LOL. Absolutely none. I thought that becoming a medical doctor was the way to go, but my body and mind was so resistant to the sciences. It was as if my soul was begging to be released because I had kept it contained. The creativity, spontaneity, and curiosity was all bottled up in hopes of becoming this neurotic, well-mannered doctor with a 401k that takes his employees out on holiday dinners and hosts fundraisers and luncheons LOL. The gag is I can still do those things, but just in a different setting. However, I have been thinking on the professions of becoming an educator, psychologist or any career that requires communication. As always my first love is writing and I will finish a novel before my last semester of college. I want to help people see the world how I see it. I know that we all are different, but if I can get you to say ‘Wow, I did not think of it like that”, then my job is done. I love you all. Hope you have an awesome Halloween and an awesome week. I pray I can do well on my algebra exam. Again, I can get so anxious because of not feeling good enough, but I am more than good enough and so are you. I adore you. You are awesome!

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