What Do You Want?

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Good evening beautiful people. I apologize for being so late with this blogpost, but I just wanted to share the college experience with you all. This week has got to be one of the most emotional weeks of my life. It was just so much. I must admit that I had expectations of college and I allowed others to influence my perspective on my college. It has been just a lot and a part of me wanted to check out because I thought maybe this isn’t for me. I had a lot of conversations with people who gave me advice that I lowkey did not want to accept: making the best out of my current situation. I learned that I still have many toxic traits such as: defensiveness, emotional reactivity, comfortability with complaining, but not taking the necessary steps to make my life better and purposefully isolating myself from others. I think I didn’t like my college because it makes me confront my inner demons that I would detach from in my everyday life back in Philly. I don’t give myself permission to feel my feelings. I subconsciously absorbed the false notion that as a man I must “toughen up, man up and deal with it”. Unfortunately, I would take this message to heart and it would lead to emotional reactions on people who didn’t deserve it. I think a lot of my frustration comes from past traumas and blocking it out, but not accepting my past. I admit that I did not like myself back then because others would make me feel that I am not enough. I have been called plenty of “faggots, gay and weirdos”. I believe that I absorbed it, but did not process it and let it go. I do notice that in my daily life, I have those flashbacks of ugly moments where I have said petty, mean things to my family members out of hurt from others. I am not proud of those moments, but I know that if I knew better I would do better. A lot of my actions have been out of survival. I didn’t want to be chastised by my older brother or my family or friends if I were my true self. Being a black, gay male isn’t easy and its almost as if I always feel on-edge or anxious about what others will say about who I am. However, I need to release that burden because it is not mine to carry. I am who I am because that’s who God created me to be. I have tried praying it away, hating myself, and being my own personal bully, but those methods have not given me any productive results. This week challenged me to confront those demons and not just block out my past, but accept the past and pain that comes along with it. Initially, I made this blogpost out of pain. My friend Nia suggested it as a way to cope with my sadness at the time. This really helped me with expressing my emotions and staying in tune with my sensitivity. I also found out that I love writing as well. I love music. I love painting. I love drawing. I love taking care of myself whether it be beard care, hair care, skincare, aromatherapy, sleeping, watching a Netflix series or doing a blog. By the way, I really want to start a YouTube y’all, but I am so hard on myself with the way I look or talk or am perceived. I am currently undoing low-self esteem effects and so I really want to come on camera when I am ready or maybe I will have to force myself. I can never be perfect. Perfectionism is a false ideal created by the psyche to instill inadequacy and self-criticism. It took so long for me to realize that I will never achieve perfectionism. I thought that if I don’t cause too much controversy, am nice enough, smart enough, successful enough that I will avoid the muddy waters of life. I didn’t realize that I was trying to use a cheat code to life that if I am not my true self, I will not face possible embarrassment, humiliation and isolation. I would later learn that lesson the hard way. I did feel embarrassment, humiliation and isolation. I also inflicted pain onto others with my words, actions and demeanor. I take accountability for it. If I knew better, I would be better. However, what I will not do is turn my life into a pity party because I have had some beautiful moments which I am so grateful for. I say all that to say, I really would like you all to ask yourselves what you truly want, without judgement. Whether it’s happiness, a certain career path, a longing for companionship, freedom, or even self-love. Whatever you desire is valid and deserves to be recognized. I know that for me, I am still figuring out if biology and chemistry are what I want for myself in the next four years of my life. It is very structured and I am not at all LOL. Well to be honest, I would consider myself to be a good student, but I have not found joy in what I am doing so far. So, I am not sure if that is an indication that it is not for me or if I should keep going until I find a part of it that I love. I really do not know and I must admit, I was about to hang up the towel with my current college, but I thought that what if this could lead to a personal breakthrough. My aunt really forced me to be present, which is something I generally do not like to do. I like to detach from situations that are emotionally tasking. It is almost as if that was my defense mechanism to being hurt. But, I would advise you all that detachment is unhealthy and not the way to go. Feed your soul with compassion, love and understanding. Accept yourself and your current condition. Happiness is honestly a choice and happy people don’t complain with their current condition. They simply make the best out of their situation. I will do the same. I pray you all have a wonderful day and weekend. I love you all. God bless you all! Continue to be your beautiful selves because you are who you are for a reason! God makes no mistakes or errors.

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