The Blues

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POP-UP GUESS WHO SIS? POP-UP GUESS WHO SIS? DING DONG! It’s the Fashun Fiend. I wanted to pop up on you guys with another blogpost. I was going through a lot emotionally today and I heard a voice say “Share your feelings because this could touch someone and lift their spirits.” Today was one of those days man. Depression with me goes in and out like everyone, but it can just creep up on me and almost consume my entire being. The familiar voice from childhood that says “You’re not good enough. You are not good looking enough. You are ugly. You are mean. You are a bad person. You are not worthy of love.” It seeps into my brain and clutters my head to the point where I cannot even think clearly and hold a simple conversation. I can get so lost in my head and lose my happiness that I have worked so hard to hold onto. Happiness is a fleeting emotion because it feels good in those few seconds, but sadness hits so much harder. It remains with your spirit as if it were a plague or a poison slowly breaking down each limb within your body. The sadness can really hit me hard, so I try to snap myself out of it. I force myself into social interaction because I need to get out of my own head and give energy elsewhere. It can be so hard because it feels like the depression silences me and makes me feel like my words are meaningless and worthless. But, that is so false. I want you all to know that what you have to say matters. It took me a while to learn that. My self-esteem is still a major work-in-progress. Self-love is a mindset that has to be continued and strengthened with each day. I sometimes fall short because I tend to neglect myself, but not anymore. I will put myself first and choose to be my own biggest fan and best friend because I have to be okay with sitting in my stuff. I noticed that I would try to chase after guys and people in hopes of affirming my self-worth. But, I didn’t realize that I am enough. I have been enough. I think I am trying to undo the years of damage that I have done to myself. I remember venting in a previous post that I had to really get comfortable in my own skin. I used to dislike the sound of my voice, my nose, my personality, my physique, just everything about me. Growing up, I didn’t have the nicest peers and I grew up feeling left out a lot. But, for some reason I always was in a isolated position. It was so normalized to me that I began to accept that I have to be alone. I think God was very specific with my directions because I think he wanted me to be able to fully be comfortable in my own skin before I started a relationship, friendship or anything for that matter. He wanted me to be solid and just strong as an individual. It can be so difficult and sometimes I just wanna give up because I just want someone to understand and notice, but I had to learn the hard way that life goes on and nobody wants to see a person upset all the time. So, I made the decision to accept that there will be painful moments in life, but there is also some really beautiful moments. I have met some incredible people in this world and I have experienced love from so many different individuals. They didn’t care about my acne, my hair, my nose, or anything that I thought was bad. My mom really taught me to find beauty in the things I dislike about myself. I learned to really love my nose, and I’m taking one day at a time with loving my looks. I try to love myself better with each day. So, in conclusion, today was hard, but I wanted to share this with you guys because I wanted to share the good moments and the bad moments as well, since that is life after all. But, I hope you all realized that you are not alone in this life game. We all are in this. However, if no one told you today, you are beautiful, you matter, you are strong, don’t give up, you got this and I believe in you. God bless you all and I pray that God continues to examine your lives with favor and splendor. I love yall. Until next time!

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